So one day I hated David Cook so much I wanted him to drop dead of laryngitis or whatever it was that was rampaging through the studio causing all the guys to wear scarves. Then one other day, yesterday to be exact, I decided I wanted to give birth to his giant-headed babies and I don’t even care how many stitches it takes to put me back together. That’s crazy.

And this is American Idol.

Ryan’s out harassing a strange black woman in the audience as the show starts.  Then he high fives Randy, kisses Paula, and makes out with Simon. And I’m not joking this time. He kissed Simon on the forehead. The stars aligned for me tonight.

A bunch of guys in tight jeans…. Oh no, wait. That’s David, David, and Castro singing ’All I Ask Of You’ from Phantom of the Opera as ALW plays piano. Then the girls join in from the other side of the stage, sucking all the goodness that was existing just a second ago. ALW turned around and glared at them.

Kauly Jo: alw looks like he's not quite sure where he is
Kauly Jo: america?  huh?  what?  where's the queen?

Remember how David Cook was the best of the night before he even starting singing, when he was just walking around on stage in his black jeans? Remember how ALW sort of looks like a puppet on string? Remember how Syesha was actually good? Remember how Jason Castro had girlier hips than all of the girls put together, including Ryan? Remember how ALW taught Archuleta how to keep his eyes open at all times so he could always see his mean daddy coming at him with a belt? Remember how Brooke screwed up and Ryan and Paula had to rub her face in it instead of just letting it go like we do when Ryan does something stupid? Remember how Carly finally covered up that tattoo so I don’t have nightmares? Remember how I broke my strict no voting rule and dialed the wrong number for 20 minutes? Remember how I thought David Cook was an idiot for calling ALW Lloyd Andrew, but it turns out he was calling him LORD Andrew and I’M the one who’s an idiot and that just makes David three times more awesome than he was before? By the way, I love when Lords do nice things for the little people. Like mentoring contestants on American Idol.

So instead of showering us with his gift of singing, ALW and his giant eyebrows sit on chairs with Ryan to chat about the differences between live musical and television. Randy, making sense for once in his life, mentions how hard it is for pop singers to sing Broadway, cause Broadway is actually very hard to sing.

They pick on Brooke some more for screwing up yesterday. Leave her alone!!! Jesus Christ Superstar, even Jim Carrey didn’t beat on that poor dead cow this long!

Tonight’s commercial is set to ‘Tainted Love’ David Cook is dressed like Pete Wentz, Brooke is dressed like a Hooker, Carly’s dressed like her usual self, as is Jason.  David A is just sitting around drawing pictures of cars. Fords to be exact.

Then, to keep the party going, George W. and the first lady are here via pre-recorded video to lecture us on donating money.

Ryan calls the two Davids to the stage and goes through this whole charade of pretending one of them might not be safe. David Cook creams his pants all over ALW. David Archuleta should stand there and lick lollipops, there’s no reason he needs to talk anymore. They’re both safe, and David A. gets a little weepy and David C. is comforting to him. I approve of this show of affection.

When Danny Noriega was cut, I decided to write a song for every contestant eliminated, but then I never finished the one I started for Danny. Then I started one for Michael Johns that I never finished and a pre-emptive one for David Cook that I never finished. The point I’m trying to make is, I never finish what I start.

Ryan takes us to New York to see which former Idols are playing on Broadway. Fantasia, Lakisha, Tamyra, Diana Degarmo, CLAY AIKEN!!! He’s pale and long-haired now like a lesbian vampire, but I love him anyway. They’re showing so many clips from Spamalot and I’m so happy. I haven’t seen any yet.

Back to the show, Leona Lewis is singing ‘Bleeding Love’. I didn’t like this song at first, but then Ryan forced me to listen to it, by playing it every hour on the radio, and now I like it. True story.

But then the song goes on so long, I’m starting to dislike it. You know that scene in The Green Mile when they're executing the guy, but since the sponge is dry it takes like 10 minutes and he slowly fries from the inside out? Yeah, that's kind of how I feel right now.

Syesha and Brooke are brought up to the stage of doom. Syesha’s hair is crazy today!!! And her earrings are huge! If Ryan gets to close, they might wrap around his neck and strangle him. Please keep Brooke standing in between the two of them, we can’t lose Seacrest. Brooke is safe and Syesha is not. Brooke balances on the edge of a  stress-induced seizure/nervous breakdown. Paula watches her very closely without blinking because she knows what a woman on the verge of a breakdown looks like. Then she makes up the word ginormous.

Carly and Jason, front and center. I’m glad I don’t do acid. Her tattoo would wink at me and Jason’s braids would turn into those snake-braids from Monsters Inc.. Jason is safe and Carly isn’t.

Jason cheers for Carly, and then runs away fake wiping fake sweat off his forehead as Carly sings her song again. Then Syesha sings again and it’s just not the same without the dress she was wearing yesterday.

Carly… Syesha… Carly… Syesha… Carly… Syesha… Carly is leaving us. Her and Syesha breast feed each other for a little bit. Like comfort food.

Then somebody somewhere celebrates Carly home.