roarimaraptor's Journal

This is Miami, friends, and this is American Idol.

If Ryan ever left the show and somebody took his place, I’d want to stab them in the throat every time they said that line. Cause nobody says it like The Seacrest. NOBODY!

Miami is a tropical hot spot full of beautiful people set to the tune of Gloria Estefan. We see 10,000 people, none of who are beautiful, so Ryan just lied to us. But I’ll forgive him because yesterday we saw bicep.

Paula is as inebriated as she was in Nebraska as she walks in to the building. She seems to know where she is though, even though Randy and Simon get confused on the escalator. Then Simon calls Paula’s Pebbles dress “slutty”.

Shannon looks like she’d be a tarot card reader, but she really works in her parents meat market. They go to her town to talk about it, to avoid letting Ryan make the joke of “working with all that meat”. Cause you know he would. And then things would get awkward. Like that time an old lady asked Ryan if he wanted to help her “hurt Simon’s body” and he responded. “You don’t know how bad.” And then tripped over his feet and tongue trying to back peddle himself out of that hole he inadvertently fell in. She’s singing ‘Cry Baby’ which is an awesome, awesome song… I mean, not so much when Shannon sings it. But an awesome song in general. If I could sing like a bat out of hell, this would be the song I’d choose to sing. So the judges think she sucked(or if you’re Simon, “Sounds like you’re eating.”) so basically the show wasted money going to her parents meat market and talking about her many singing accomplishments.

I don’t know if I’ve ever said this before… but Seacrest is HOT! Like “it’s getting hot in here, take off all your clothes” kind of hot.

Robbie used to be in a boy band, but then he grew his hair out, grew a beard, put on a beanie hat, and turned to rock ‘n roll. He has an awesome voice. Both Paula and Randy think so. Simon’s on the fence and then he punches Paula in the face for pointing out that he’s on the fence. Then Robbie is going to Hollywood. Out in the holding area, his friends spray him with silly string. Ryan runs over with a can in his hand saying, “What is going on? What is this stuff?” Cause Seacrest, even a young boy Seacrest, doesn’t have time for fun and games. But jokes on Robbie, cause suddenly Ryan knows how to work the can and tries to spray Robbie, but his small motor skills are too weak to make string come out of the can.

Oh Seacrest. Those pants do you justice in more ways than one.

Guys from Miami suck, is the lesson we learn tonight.

A man named Ghaleb is so excited to get through to Hollywood that he kisses production assistants, camera men, people in headsets, photographers, and even Ryan. I don’t blame him. I’d kiss Ryan too. I bet his cheeks are soft like a baby’s butt.

This large black woman calls Ryan the “love of her life”. It’s time to throw down! I need to start working out so I can take on this big woman.

There are actually 2 large black woman in this scene. I can’t remember which is the one who loves Ryan and which one thinks he’s too skinny for her. But girl on the left sings very loud and well and so does girl on the right. All 3judges say yes to both ladies. Then the ladies rape Simon and Randy. Ryan, as usual, gets caught in the middle of the frenzied excited out in the hall. I wonder if he goes home bruised at the end of these things. If he needs someone to rub oils and linaments on him… I’m free most nights.

Suzanne Toons has those Demi Moore ‘on the verge of tears’ eyes. She’s a single mother who’s baby daddy took off on her and her daughter. She should call him out on live TV, make that bastard stand up and take care of his business. Like a lot of people who audition for this show, they do it with the hopes of making enough to end their moneyless suffering. It might be easier just to go to college and get a better job, but ok. Both are time consuming, so why not go with the better odds? She sings a song soiled by Constantine during season 5, ‘I Can’t Make You Love Me’.

I hated Jasmine Trias during season 3 and I hate her now. So I’ll refuse to accept that they are speaking of her now. And I’ll refuse to accept that Ramiele is mentioning her name right here and now in my face. Everyone goes on and on about how “cuuute” Ramiele is. She is, I guess. She’s like an Asian Kellie Pickler. She sings ‘Natural Woman’ and Paula seal claps. Then Ramiele is going to Hollywood.

And Paula’s drunk.

Day 2. Paula is drunk, Randy is purple, and Ryan is gorgeous.

Syesha Mercado is on this show during season 4 and her name was Nadia. She was also on during seasons 3 using the name Latoya London. Then during seasons 2 and 1, but I forget which aliases she went by then. I don’t want to hear it again. I don’t want to hear any more sob stories!! I’m going to the bathroom! And I swear to God if I hear one more person sing ‘Freedom’ I will voluntarily have my ears removed and donated to science.

Okay, I’m back.

Girl sings good, judges say yes, girl walks out with golden ticket. Different girl sings good, Simon drools, girl walks out with golden ticket.

Remember that guy Ben who invented things last year and then he sang really bad? He’s auditioning again. He’s cuter and he’s styling… but he still can’t sing.

When people sing, and they’re really bad, and the judges sit there and laugh… this I don’t like. It’s laughing at someone’s face and I don’t appreciate it.

This girl named Julie claims she was on American Juniors. Ryan doesn’t remember her and neither do I. Her shirt is also too short and she needs to step away from Ryan. I wish these people would wear pants.

The judges all lie that they watched and loved American Juniors. Then Julie lies that she’s happy she gets to see Ryan again. Let me tell you something, tramp. Ryan can’t get you on this show. He can’t get you in the top 100, top 24, or top 12. He doesn’t have that kind of weight! So get your goods out of his face!

Okay, I’m sorry. A demon took over for a second. Has my skin turned green? I apologize. So Julie’s voice isn’t that great and she’s doing what Simon calls “acting”. He tells her to drop it.

Simon - “Have you ever been called precocious?”

Girl - “…. What does that mean?”

If you have to ask what it means, then no, you’ve never been called it. By definition, precocious people know would know what the word precocious means. The short skirt and trampy look does not help her. They judges make her go. She starts to sing again. Simon tells her to leave and become an actress. She raises her voice and argues. The judges call her “over indulged”. Basically that she’s spoiled rotton. Trampy too, though they don’t say so.

She walks around in the hall yelling shut up to no one in particular. Then she tells us not to watch American Idol. Just for that… I’m watching it!!! Try and stop me, Julie!!

Brandon is like some sort of bipolar Steve Urkel. He makes funny voices and then sings ‘I’ll Make Love ToYou’ to Paula. Paula is incredulous, like she’s never been propositioned by a male contestant before. Like she didn’t start that whole train wreck that wouldn’t end. Brandon tries to sing an original and Simon interrupts him. The he’s gone. Then lots of people cry, while Seacrest watches on and wonders how they do that. How do they create those wet things that come out of their eyes.

Oh God, one more week of auditions. When will it end?

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